Mmmm..lemon heads...

Lemon heads.
Yummy yellow candy's with a soft outer layer of sweet and tangy and a crunchy sweet and sour middle that sets your mouth to watering. :)

I'm enjoying them alone tonight.

It's relatively quiet in the house. It's 10:03.
Scott came home around 6:30 tonight. I was sitting on the couch in the living room with all the kiddos while Josh and I attempted to play at least one round of Mario party before dinner. I'd already thrown in eight chicken patties in the oven just in case the guys were hungry when they walked in the door. Wasn't up to cooking much tonight. The kids and I had been snacking all day on fruit, popcorn, sandwiches and a couple other goodies I got from my massive shopping spree at the grocery store yesterday.

Luckily, the guys weren't interested in eating anyway, hopefully not because of my poor dinner preparations.
Anyway, I was relieved to have a bit of a break.
Today was difficult. My plans for school time were barely covered, liked usual. I was frustrated and tired and my patience wore thin, faster today then most days.
The girls are wonderful. They are 2 and turning 4. Haven and Hailey. The cutest sweetest little blond girls you ever did see, but they are desperately in need of lots of attention and It's hard not to give them the mile that they want when I can only give them an inch most of the time. While I'm contending with that, the boys get jealous and start to whine and compete and then everyone starts yelling and whining and crying and running around and jumping on the furniture and falling and doing other things they know they shouldn't all in the frame of a few seconds conversation with one that's been graced with my attention and then the room starts spinning and my head starts hurting my ears begin to ring they all start fighting over getting a hot dog that I've prepared for each and every one of them and then I start to not give a crap about how THEY feel and then I BLOW!!! :[

I tell them how selfish and crappy they're acting. I couldn't believe it I say "HERE!!!! TAKE YOUR GOD DAMNED HOTDOG, SIT DOWN AND SHUT YOUR MOUTH!! EVERYBODY JUST SIT DOWN AND SHUT YOUR MOUTH!! Your driving me CRAZAAAYYYY!!!

Beautiful huh? :)

Everybody was quiet for a good half hour except the baby, who likes to talk over me and say my name sweetly and ask for things or change the subject when I'm reprimanding her for touching something she shouldn't be touching. She'll ask me "Ms. Jennie, what's that?" Or she'll just say my name to change the subject or to get me to say "what?" I ignore it now when she does it. Hailey nags and will have asked me for something three times before I can even say yes or no or even tune in while others are asking me for things at the same time.
I fight back the mental picture of kicking her across the room. :(
I imagine that she's made of rubber and giggles the whole time, even on the the rebound. :)
Of course, I'd never do it.

The boys aren't peaches and cream either and they're making more problems at times. Scott and Dave yell at the girls constantly and I think they've picked up the yelling from them and the times I get frustrated too. It gets so bad sometimes that they interfere with my discipline and I have to discipline them before I discipline the girls and then I feel like my moment is lost with the girls.
I don't want to harp too much on my problems with all this because i don't want to fall into a pit of discouragement and whining. All I know is I want to get better and I know they're are a lot of issues that I'm going to have to get through each day and I can't do it by losing my cool. I need to be an example. I need to think constructively and try not to take this kiddy stuff personally. The guilt trips they all like to take me on are the worst, and they leave me feeling inadequate and used up.
No longer. I need to keep my eye on the prize.
A peaceful home, a functional home.

For the most part the house is quiet and civil and I try to keep the kids content, happy and busy. Recently I've given the girls some crafts, bead work on fuzzy wire, chalk drawing on the little chalk board in the living room, stencils, "bubble party" on the kitchen table with smocks and trash bags for easy cleanup, movie time with popcorn, bath time with sister, and even "school time" and coloring to break the boredom.
The boys have school, video games and Legos in my room, hidden away from the girls. Sometimes I can send them out to play in the yard with the neighbor kids, which is a nice break for them.

I'm frustrated though, because the time we spent together, giving them my undivided and creative attentions, is lost right now. I'm afraid the girls are going to get into something that they shouldn't and I'm not keeping my eyes off of them for awhile.
The boys have lots of guilt laying material and I can't deny it. :( I feel like I can't be the mom I was to them, and it breaks my heart.
They use it against me. :(

I'm starting to take it personal and I'm getting really irritated with them, but none of the guilt they are giving me has any grounds for reality. They know I love them, they know i want to be with them. So I won't let it get to me. I'm going to make sure that we have a date every night. As soon as the dads get home from work. It'll be date time and we'll have a fun activity planned.

Yes, the boys need their time with us but they need to be not so selfish and learn to share their time, their toys, and their Mommy.

These girls don't have their mommy.
She has chosen another life right now that's not safe for them. They're dad has taken them out of that environment and needs a fresh start. He needs help and helping others is what's most important in life. It's a hard lesson but it's so important.
I told Levi today when he continued to whine that I "NEVER" give him hugs and kisses:
I asked him"Who's going to give these girls hugs and kisses?
I don't see their daddy doing it very much. (Levi looked thoughtful)
Their mommy isn't here...who's going to give them kisses and hugs? Are you?"
he shook is head fiercely and stopped with the same thoughtful expression and pouty lip
"Well, they need kisses and hugs too and I'm going to give them kisses and hugs because every child needs kisses and hugs."
He still protested and I eventually had to tune him out.

He'll get it, Josh does. He's patient for the most part and waits for me. He knows our quality time is coming eventually, even if it is during school time.

What really stinks that quality time with Scott is few and far between. He and Dave stay out working till about 5 or 6 most evenings and when he gets home he comes in and sits down at the computer and reads the news and then I bring him a plate and we chat for a minute before I go back to spend time with the boys.
Dave weakly corrals the girls who have obviously forgotten everything I've told them all day. Dave's learning to be consistent, but he's working from not just square 1 but negative 2. :(
There's going to be a lot of reprogramming to get Hailey on track.

Anyway, I'm done by that point.
After dinner I tidy up the kitchen quickly and go in my room with the boys to talk and cuddle and watch something on Netflix and tune out the squawking and crying in the rest of the house. OUR daddy comes in too , cuddles and talks with us and tries to watch our show or movie but eventually falls asleep after the first half hour.
I put the boys to bed after our cuddle and I let Scott sleep while I get online. :)

I really fought back the temptation to just veg tonight, but I promised myself I'd write something EVERY night to keep this virtual diary, as it's turning out to be, up to date. I hope that in a month or so I'll be able to see a marked improvement in the way things are around here. The girl's discipline, balancing homeschooling; and quality time with the family, Dave and the girls. It's necessary for them to feel at home too.
I'd like to get our taxes, house refinance, debts paid off and car issues taken care of as well.
And maybe a few date nights out with my wonderful hubby. :D Love him. He's working so hard. I'd rather be home then out in the world trying to get the money to support all this.