Mmmm..lemon heads...

Lemon heads.
Yummy yellow candy's with a soft outer layer of sweet and tangy and a crunchy sweet and sour middle that sets your mouth to watering. :)

I'm enjoying them alone tonight.

It's relatively quiet in the house. It's 10:03.
Scott came home around 6:30 tonight. I was sitting on the couch in the living room with all the kiddos while Josh and I attempted to play at least one round of Mario party before dinner. I'd already thrown in eight chicken patties in the oven just in case the guys were hungry when they walked in the door. Wasn't up to cooking much tonight. The kids and I had been snacking all day on fruit, popcorn, sandwiches and a couple other goodies I got from my massive shopping spree at the grocery store yesterday.

Luckily, the guys weren't interested in eating anyway, hopefully not because of my poor dinner preparations.
Anyway, I was relieved to have a bit of a break.
Today was difficult. My plans for school time were barely covered, liked usual. I was frustrated and tired and my patience wore thin, faster today then most days.
The girls are wonderful. They are 2 and turning 4. Haven and Hailey. The cutest sweetest little blond girls you ever did see, but they are desperately in need of lots of attention and It's hard not to give them the mile that they want when I can only give them an inch most of the time. While I'm contending with that, the boys get jealous and start to whine and compete and then everyone starts yelling and whining and crying and running around and jumping on the furniture and falling and doing other things they know they shouldn't all in the frame of a few seconds conversation with one that's been graced with my attention and then the room starts spinning and my head starts hurting my ears begin to ring they all start fighting over getting a hot dog that I've prepared for each and every one of them and then I start to not give a crap about how THEY feel and then I BLOW!!! :[

I tell them how selfish and crappy they're acting. I couldn't believe it I say "HERE!!!! TAKE YOUR GOD DAMNED HOTDOG, SIT DOWN AND SHUT YOUR MOUTH!! EVERYBODY JUST SIT DOWN AND SHUT YOUR MOUTH!! Your driving me CRAZAAAYYYY!!!

Beautiful huh? :)

Everybody was quiet for a good half hour except the baby, who likes to talk over me and say my name sweetly and ask for things or change the subject when I'm reprimanding her for touching something she shouldn't be touching. She'll ask me "Ms. Jennie, what's that?" Or she'll just say my name to change the subject or to get me to say "what?" I ignore it now when she does it. Hailey nags and will have asked me for something three times before I can even say yes or no or even tune in while others are asking me for things at the same time.
I fight back the mental picture of kicking her across the room. :(
I imagine that she's made of rubber and giggles the whole time, even on the the rebound. :)
Of course, I'd never do it.

The boys aren't peaches and cream either and they're making more problems at times. Scott and Dave yell at the girls constantly and I think they've picked up the yelling from them and the times I get frustrated too. It gets so bad sometimes that they interfere with my discipline and I have to discipline them before I discipline the girls and then I feel like my moment is lost with the girls.
I don't want to harp too much on my problems with all this because i don't want to fall into a pit of discouragement and whining. All I know is I want to get better and I know they're are a lot of issues that I'm going to have to get through each day and I can't do it by losing my cool. I need to be an example. I need to think constructively and try not to take this kiddy stuff personally. The guilt trips they all like to take me on are the worst, and they leave me feeling inadequate and used up.
No longer. I need to keep my eye on the prize.
A peaceful home, a functional home.

For the most part the house is quiet and civil and I try to keep the kids content, happy and busy. Recently I've given the girls some crafts, bead work on fuzzy wire, chalk drawing on the little chalk board in the living room, stencils, "bubble party" on the kitchen table with smocks and trash bags for easy cleanup, movie time with popcorn, bath time with sister, and even "school time" and coloring to break the boredom.
The boys have school, video games and Legos in my room, hidden away from the girls. Sometimes I can send them out to play in the yard with the neighbor kids, which is a nice break for them.

I'm frustrated though, because the time we spent together, giving them my undivided and creative attentions, is lost right now. I'm afraid the girls are going to get into something that they shouldn't and I'm not keeping my eyes off of them for awhile.
The boys have lots of guilt laying material and I can't deny it. :( I feel like I can't be the mom I was to them, and it breaks my heart.
They use it against me. :(

I'm starting to take it personal and I'm getting really irritated with them, but none of the guilt they are giving me has any grounds for reality. They know I love them, they know i want to be with them. So I won't let it get to me. I'm going to make sure that we have a date every night. As soon as the dads get home from work. It'll be date time and we'll have a fun activity planned.

Yes, the boys need their time with us but they need to be not so selfish and learn to share their time, their toys, and their Mommy.

These girls don't have their mommy.
She has chosen another life right now that's not safe for them. They're dad has taken them out of that environment and needs a fresh start. He needs help and helping others is what's most important in life. It's a hard lesson but it's so important.
I told Levi today when he continued to whine that I "NEVER" give him hugs and kisses:
I asked him"Who's going to give these girls hugs and kisses?
I don't see their daddy doing it very much. (Levi looked thoughtful)
Their mommy isn't here...who's going to give them kisses and hugs? Are you?"
he shook is head fiercely and stopped with the same thoughtful expression and pouty lip
"Well, they need kisses and hugs too and I'm going to give them kisses and hugs because every child needs kisses and hugs."
He still protested and I eventually had to tune him out.

He'll get it, Josh does. He's patient for the most part and waits for me. He knows our quality time is coming eventually, even if it is during school time.

What really stinks that quality time with Scott is few and far between. He and Dave stay out working till about 5 or 6 most evenings and when he gets home he comes in and sits down at the computer and reads the news and then I bring him a plate and we chat for a minute before I go back to spend time with the boys.
Dave weakly corrals the girls who have obviously forgotten everything I've told them all day. Dave's learning to be consistent, but he's working from not just square 1 but negative 2. :(
There's going to be a lot of reprogramming to get Hailey on track.

Anyway, I'm done by that point.
After dinner I tidy up the kitchen quickly and go in my room with the boys to talk and cuddle and watch something on Netflix and tune out the squawking and crying in the rest of the house. OUR daddy comes in too , cuddles and talks with us and tries to watch our show or movie but eventually falls asleep after the first half hour.
I put the boys to bed after our cuddle and I let Scott sleep while I get online. :)

I really fought back the temptation to just veg tonight, but I promised myself I'd write something EVERY night to keep this virtual diary, as it's turning out to be, up to date. I hope that in a month or so I'll be able to see a marked improvement in the way things are around here. The girl's discipline, balancing homeschooling; and quality time with the family, Dave and the girls. It's necessary for them to feel at home too.
I'd like to get our taxes, house refinance, debts paid off and car issues taken care of as well.
And maybe a few date nights out with my wonderful hubby. :D Love him. He's working so hard. I'd rather be home then out in the world trying to get the money to support all this.

Inspiration

So many reasons not to write tonight:
It's 11:00 and I need to stay fresh for 4 beautiful children in the morning.
Haven (2), Haley (3), Levi (5) and Joshua (9). :)
To continue the list, I'm in the middle of a great documentary about Monty Python called:
"Before the Flying Circus. A Black and White Documentary." I'm watching it because I've never seen the Flying Circus but I love John Cleese, I love British humor,I want to discover the influences attributed to the work and would like to better understand and utilize my love for comical expression.
To continue my list of other things to do besides write:
I just found a great stash of candies I'd like to devour in secret. ;)
I want to read because I was so refreshed by my earlier reading in the afternoon and want to return to it.
Also, I could get on Face book and see what everyone else is doing.:(
No, I'll do all those things after. :) Besides, I'm acting as if I'm going to have thousands of readers and have this unrelenting pressure to "WOW" in the back of my mind. Why do I have to "WOW" at all? OK then, I will choose not to "WOW" tonight so that neither you nor I will be disappointed.

This isn't my voice. Like I said. I've been watching a documentary on the gang from Monty Python and my vernacular has been influenced by the lot! Pip pip cheerio! and I also had a bit of "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" on the side today with Josh and Levi.
One of their new favorites. :)

I recently signed on to Netflix again and it's been an extremely convenient distraction as well as a modestly used baby sitter for the little ones at times. But on the Eve of yet another possible procrastination I've decided to forgo it and discipline myself well enough to write anything I can before bed, whether i perceive it to be boring or not. I'll let you decide. Decide whether you'll return to hear more...
I am a horrible procrastinator. I hate saying the word or typing the word because it feels like a curse. So, from here on out, I will not describe myself as one. In hopes that I will not be one. In hopes that I continue to write and post SOMETHING each night before bed. Here's to being productive!

Cheers!
:)


I'm back.

I just ate 5 packages of gummy fruits.
2 dove chocolates with surprise life tips from Martha Stewart on the inside of each wrapper.
One says: "Instead of exchanging gifts, put money towards a family trip."
The other : "Choose party recipes that can be prepared in advance."
( Thank you Martha.)

1 large Reese cup
A Werthers chewy caramel
and a caramel Hershey kiss.

My tummy hurts. :(

Inspiring quote of the day from Terry Jones of Monty Python:

"(Prep) School left me with a fear of failing..I just thought everyone was going to be sooo clever, and so brilliant and so extraordinary. It took me a long time to penetrate that, to realize that it wasn't true."

Random Notes from the Pythoners:

"Anti-authoritarian"
Comedy: "Form of Exhibitionism."
On themselves: "Gigglers."
"Absorbing any and all comedy influences."

Not to self: I need to call my friend Sarah and wish her a happy birthday tomorrow even though her birthday is Tuesday, miss her. :)

Direction

Watching families on Extreme Home Makeover, people that are helping their community within a one mile radius and strongly effecting those even further, has been an inspiration.

One woman in a wheel chair was basically buried in her home by a continual clothing drive she managed for close to two decades. She did it to help the impoverished children in her neighborhood. They considered her Grandma. Notably, she was a black woman who helped children of ALL ethnicity's, not just her own.

This is the work that many are called to do. To live unselfishly, to use what one has as it wasn't their own. To die to oneself and what one thinks their life SHOULD be. I can't imagine that this woman anticipated her life as an old lady to be living in a home, surrounded by clothes and toys and dust and clutter as she maneuvered around in her wheel chair on one little pathway from front door to the living room, to kitchen and barely into the bathroom.
This generous outfit was conducted even without a good income. She was dependent herself and still gave up the few comforts she had to keep these needed items stocked in her home.

But there is never too little with the Lord. He will provide and "make it work together for good, to those that are called according to His purpose." He will tie up the loose ends and straighten out the crooked parts. No good effort goes unrewarded. He WILL throw you a bone if you are lost or weak, or wanting, but an effort has to be made.

I have prayed hard and asked Him for a better attitude when it comes to opening my home to others. My husband (we will call him Scott ;) has a flooring business and we've hosted out of town flooring buddies of his so that he can maintain a reliable crew and hopefully help his friends make some needed cash. Those instances were beneficial mostly for my husband and I because it provided inexpensive labor and an on the spot crew. In that sense, there is little to complain about except for the loss of my personal comfort and privacy as I was the only woman/hermit in the house and we had some bachelor type issues to sort out that made me extremely uncomfortable. But this made me step up and exercise my need to break my fear of confrontation and slap down some house rules while they lived with us. One didn't survive but the other became a friend. :)
Now we have the opportunity to help a friend of Scott's that has found himself to be a single dad with two toddler girls in need of a stable home and assistance so they can get back on their feet.
It has been only 3 weeks and I have been blessed greatly. I've seen my imperfections , and I don't like them, but I am encouraged because I also see the work he's already done in me and in my family over the years and He's taken us a long way from where we were, even in the last three weeks!

Getting back to a simple unselfish giving life is a life of passion and blessing, pain and joy. It's alive!!! I see dead families come in to eat at my tables every night I work. (I have been a part time waitress at Outback Steakhouse for 12 years now.) Nobody smiles nobody talks, it's like the only thing they have in common is eating. I've noticed that if my tables are having an exceptionally good time together, they don't care if the food comes out late. They are content and enjoying each other, living in the moment.
I hope to see myself, Scott, and the boys when they are teenagers; talking and joking and having a great time together. I've seen this at my tables too, people! I'm a witness! Hallelujah! :D
Children are a driving tool God uses to better believing parents for the kingdom. They are THE responsibility, THE first commandment. "Be fruitful and multiply." Genesis 1:28 "Women will be saved through child bearing." I Timothy 2 :15
I want to keep my marriage happy so my children can learn to have a happy marriage too. I want to be emotionally and mentally mature to help them become the solid, responsible adults they need to be. I want them to choose Christ as the example, introducing them to Him by being the best example of Him, that I can be. This is my legacy.
This is HIS legacy.

Mark 10:14 Suffer the little children to come unto me and forbid them not, for of such is the kingdom of God.15 Verily I say unto you, Whosoever shall not receive the kingdom of God as a little child, he shall not enter therein. 16 And he took them up in his arms, put his hands upon them, and blessed them.

More Scripture Father keeps comforting me with:

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 14:12
There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.

Proverbs 19:21
Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD'S purpose that prevails.

Romans 8:28
And we know that all things work together for good for those that love God and are called according to his purpose.

I Corinthians 7 :29-31
What I mean brothers is that the time is short. From now on, those who have wives should live as those who have none, those who mourn, as they did not;those who are happy, as if they were not; those who would buy something as if it were not theirs to keep; those who use the things of the world as if not engrossed in them. For this world in it's present form is passing away.

Genesis 1:28
And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth."

I Timothy 2:15
But women will be saved through childbearing---if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety.

Proverbs 22:6
Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it.

Matthew 11:28
Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.